Back to the first birth - Part 2: Baby #1

So there we were at 7am.  Tired, sleepy and wondering exactly how long it would be before we would meet our baby.  I had the gel inserted, was told to go home and rest for as long as possible and come back before lunch time.

The contractions started within half an hour of the gel, and continued all morning becoming increasingly more uncomfortable.  Around 11:00am I said I wanted to go back, but first we had to take our dog around to the in-laws place so she could be looked after.  That meant an extra 30 minutes for the most painful, annoying car ride I have ever been on!

I had contractions that I was literally jumping out of my seat for, and then, as we were waiting at the lights, stuck in road works of all things (!!!) I had a massive contraction and my waters broke all over the front (suede!!) seat.

When we got the to the birth center, they said that they had to put a canular in, so we waited for that and once it was in I jumped in the bath before anyone could say not to!   An hour later they wanted to check me, and when they found out that I wasn't dilating, they said I had to go up to L&D for augmentation - ie, Syntocinon.

I didn't want to have the drip, but they said that once the induction was started, I couldn't do anything else.  The next however many hours where one long painful blur.  I quickly found out that Syntocinon contractions are far worse than natural contractions, and the midwife kept on turning the dosage up.

By the time 8:00pm rolled around I was exhausted.  I hadn't eaten much, and the little I had, I promptly threw back up.   I hadn't drunk much water either ~ and I couldn't get in the bath.  Each contraction felt like someone was stabbing a rusty, blunt saw into my pelvis and crunching it backwards and forwards.  Between all of that, and possibly being dehydrated, I knew I couldn't go on.

I broke down sobbing because I knew I had to take one more step I didn't want too...  An epidural.  After agonising over the decision with my husband for half an hour (or more!  I really don't remember) we decided to do it.

The anaesthetist came pretty quickly, but once he was there he wouldn't really answer my questions.  I wanted to know how the epidural drug would affect my baby, and he basically said in so many words 'not to worry my pretty little head about it'.   He didn't want to take the time to reassure my fears, and I felt extremely patronised.   I had the epidural anyway, because again, I didn't really think I had a choice.

 I think that went in around 9:00pm.   I rested, and they did an internal at 10pm, only to find that I'd only dilated 1cm by then.  It wasn't good news.  I tried to get some sleep and did actually get some good sleep, but woke up at 12:00pm.   It was shortly after then - I can't remember exactly when, but I thought something felt wrong.

I looked at the CTG machine (because of course I'd been hooked up right after the epi) and I couldn't see my baby's heart beat.  I thought maybe something had slipped, but I called for the midwife right away.  She came in and couldn't find it again, and went out of the room.

Everything slipped into chaos.  The lights where thrown on, so many people sudden where bustling around me.  A doctor said it was time to meet my baby as he did an internal.  I was confused - surely I wasn't ready to push?  I woke my husband - "It's time to meet our baby!"

Then "We have to go to surgery right now."  They were wheeling me out, practically running me down to theater.  I couldn't see my husband and I started to feel really sick.   I said so to my midwife and she said it was because my baby wasn't doing well.   I was so scared I couldn't even feel it.

I was in theater, they put me on the table and spread out my arms.  Lines, canulars and people were tangled around me.  I couldn't see my husband - I was begging them to get him for me; he was my rock, my lifeline - didn't they know that I couldn't do this without him?  That I needed him more than anything?

They were doing things to me, I could feel it - but not, and finally they let my husband in.  He held my hand so tightly.  And I stared up at the blinding white lights.  I felt them rumaging inside me.  Pulling at my insides.  It felt so wrong, so invasive.  I felt like a piece of meat on a butcher's slab.  The baby was out.

But I couldn't hear him make a sound.  I strained my ears, listening for his cry.  All I hear was "Code Blue" and I knew that it was all very, very, wrong.  I cried and cried.  I asked is my baby ok?  Is my baby ok?

No one told me.  No one knew the answer.  I cried.  My husband cried.  We cried together, waiting....

Then someone told me he was ok.  But I wasn't.

I couldn't breathe.  I felt like I was slipping away into this soft, deep void.  I sent up a wordless plea "Dear God, please look after my baby!  Please look after my husband!"  I knew I was going.  But then, He answered - He sent me back because it was not yet my time.

I was still crying, unable to breathe.

Then they called my husband over to hold our son.  We had a little boy.  I turned my head and saw the pure, utter joy on my husband's face as he held our little boy.  He brought him to me, as I was being taken to recovery.

I reached out and touch his little face, so crumpled and red.  Everything else was a blur.  We decided to call him Theodore - "Gift from God".  They wheeled me away and took my baby to the neo-natal intensive care unit.

I went to recovery.   I was numb.   I was taken to the Postnatal Ward.  I wanted my baby.

He had been born at 1:30am that Friday, and all morning I asked "Can I see my baby?  I want to see my baby!"   The midwives said that they would do what they could, but they needed a wardsman to take me in my bed and everyone was too busy.

It wasn't until that afternoon that they finally took me up.  I was wheeled next to his crib.  I said hello to my little sleeping darling, my little trooper.  He was all strapped up - he had a canular in his hand.  I ached to hold him, but I couldn't.

I touched his little face and spoke to him, and just like that, in his sleep, he smiled at me.  And I knew that he recognised my voice.

Then my body took over and though I fought it with all my strength, I could not stay awake.  I fell asleep before my time with my baby was even up.  I woke up again in the ward.

And I still didn't have my baby.  That night I fed him for the first time at 10pm.  Then I was taken back and I slept.  The next morning I woke up, and it was dreadful.  I needed my baby, my husband - I was not ok.

When I finally saw my boy again it was around lunch time that day.   Then, at four o'clock on Saturday, they finally released him out of NICU and he was with me for the rest of our hospital stay.

We stayed until the following Monday, and then finally, we got to go home.  Our new little family of three.

xxx,

b.

We made it.... Baby #2

As I type, my little girl is sleeping.

Yes!  She finally arrived!

40 weeks +6 days over due ~ she was born the day before our Caesarian was scheduled.  I am currently working on adjust to having two little people to look after, but I will be back to write up the rest of Little T's birth story and give you the happy details of Little B's birth.

xxx,
b.